


I don't need to say it to tell you I love you

by iridescent_blue



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst? IDK her, Feel-good, JEAN MOREAU LIKES CUDDLES FUCK YOU, Jeremy Knox has insomnia, LIKE TOO MUCH, M/M, Nightmares, Recovery, SO MUCH FLUFF, but only a little bit because i cant write that shit, jean has panic attacks, mentioned past abuse, no beta we die like men, the sunshine boy is NOT a perfect boy he has ISSUES and that is OKAY
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:53:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21881308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iridescent_blue/pseuds/iridescent_blue
Summary: Three times Jean and Jeremy share a bed. Not the only three times, just three times that seem important.Ft. Jean's nightmares and Jeremy's help, with a side of Jeremy's insomnia and self-deprecation. None of it is solved, but it sure helps to have the other to get through it.
Relationships: Jeremy Knox/Jean Moreau
Comments: 20
Kudos: 188





	I don't need to say it to tell you I love you

**Author's Note:**

> In conclusion I am jerejean trash. Yep. Read aftg like a month and a half ago and i cant get over these two BOYS holy SHIT
> 
> This is completely unbetaed, probably changes between past and present tense like forty times when it shoulnt, and is completely self indulgent because i just got dumped and wanted to write about cuddles.

The first time Jeremy and Jean sleep in the same bed, they don’t even touch each other. They’re on a shitty hotel bed after an away game and neither of them has the energy to care about the fact that there’s only one bed. They take turns showering and fall asleep with the tv on, backs facing each other. 

Jeremy wakes up to Jean’s shaky gasps at 2:38 in the morning. Jean’s nightmares always come around this time and Jeremy doesn’t understand why. He rolls over to see Jean pressed up against the headboard, six feet and two inches of lean muscle curled up into a knot. Jeremy’s used to this, what with living with Jean for four months at that point. He rolls out of bed, not acknowledging Jean, and turns on every light in the room. The transition is hell on his eyes, but the presence of overwhelming light always helps Jean. 

Jeremy is moving on autopilot. He goes to the bathroom, finds a cup to fill with cool water, and wets a cloth that Jean can use to cool his face down once he starts to calm down. The water and the cloth are placed on the bedside table, and Jeremy settles down in front of Jean. His breathing is coming a little more evenly, but Jeremy can see just how hard his nails are digging into his calves. 

“Jean.” He’s shaking. “Can I put my hand on your hand?” No one else would be able to see Jean’s imperceptible nod, but Jeremy has learned the hard way to look closely for any communication Jean can manage after a nightmare. 

Still, when their hands meet, Jean visibly flinches away, but once he relaxes, his fingers find Jeremy’s and hold on so tight that Jeremy is worried about losing one from lack of blood flow.

“Hey. Look at me.” This is their standard procedure for dealing with Jean’s nightmares, but Jeremy’s heart aches every time he sees the pain and fear in Jean’s eyes. Jeremy is not a violent person. He’s never been a violent person. Still, when Jeremy thinks about those _bastards_ in the Nest, he feels an overwhelming urge to burn the entire place to the ground, so that no one will ever hurt Jean again. Kevin told Jeremy some of the details, but even he didn’t know what happened in the Nest after he left. Judging by the number of stitches Jean still had after two weeks with the Foxes’ nurse, Jeremy doesn’t want to know. 

He’s so caught up in his thoughts that he flinches when Jean speaks. “Talk to me,” he says, voice soft and shaky, not at all like the harsh monster that his teammates accuse him of being. 

“Okay.” Jeremy takes a deep breath. “Your name is Jean Moreau. You are a backliner for the USC Trojans. Your number is twenty-three. You are in a hotel room in Washington, two thousand miles away from West Virginia. The room to the door is locked. You are safe.”

Jean’s fingers loosen their death grip on Jeremy’s hand. The tension in his shoulders is nowhere near gone, but he’s breathing steadily and has started to stretch out a little bit. Jeremy lets go of his hand and he shouldn’t have such a visceral reaction to the sound that catches in Jean’s throat. Jean’s misery doesn’t last long though, as Jeremy back to his side of the bed and leans against the headboard, offering his hand towards Jean. Their fingers intertwine and Jean stretches his legs out, sliding down on the bed until he’s lying down. Jeremy does the same thing, and they drift off again, sitting in silence with all of the lights on and their hands a messy knot in the middle of the bed. 

-_-

The second time they share a bed, they’re back home in their dorm. It’s one of Jeremy’s bad nights, one where he just _can’t fall asleep_ no matter how hard he tries. He’s tried everything, taking his medication, doing deep breathing, putting on his playlist of calming songs that he can fall asleep to, but nothing’s working. So he sits, mentally cursing himself out for being so _shitty at being a human being because what fucking human can’t sleep?_ And then there’s a hand on his arm and it’s Jean. Jeremy must have lost himself in his self-loathing and started muttering because Jean was asleep five minutes ago.

Jean looks tired. Between dealing with the Trojans, Exy practices, classes, and his nightmares, he barely gets the rest he needs, yet here he is, a hand on Jeremy’s shoulder telling him to _breathe._ Jeremy tries, and it sucks. Jean disappears, and Jeremy is too focused on his breathing and how dead tired his body is yet how awake his mind is to notice Jean shove his bed over to Jeremy’s to make some sort of double bed that they can fit on. Jean’s arm comes behind Jeremy and just rests there, curling tighter when Jeremy leans into Jean’s side, a silent gesture that says _stay._

So Jeremy stays. Eventually, Jean lies down, and Jeremy follows, head resting on Jean’s chest. He doesn’t get to sleep for another hour, but he’s calm listening to Jean’s steady breathing and heart rate. For once, he’s not awake from his brain’s refusal to sleep. Instead, he’s awake thinking about whatever he and Jean have. He doesn’t even know if _this_ is even something to Jean. 

Jeremy noticed a few weeks ago, during one of the team’s movie nights. Jean had sat next to him, a bowl of popcorn on his lap that everyone around him took turns grabbing handfuls from as they watched. Halfway through the movie, when the popcorn bowl was long empty and gone from Jean’s lap, Jeremy had felt Jean lean into him. It wasn’t the first time Jean had been casually touchy with Jeremy, there were the mornings that Jean fussed over Jeremy’s style, fixing his messy bedhead before he left for class. Jeremy had assumed it was Jean’s perfectionist gene mixed with the worry of being punished if his partner wasn’t good enough, like it was in the Nest. Jeremy hated that. He didn’t want to be the person that Jean latched onto. He didn’t want to be Jean’s replacement for that bastard Riko. He wanted to be Jean’s friend, someone who was chosen not out of obligation or fear, but out of genuine compassion. 

That time though, it was different. Jean had made dry jokes about the movie as he always did, but even though he was practically lying on top of Jeremy, he made easy conversation with the other Trojans in the room. In that moment, Jeremy wasn’t Jean’s emotional support animal, he was a friend. Jeremy desperately craved more. 

-_-

The next morning, after some of the most restful sleep Jeremy had gotten in weeks, he wakes up to hands in his hair. It’s a Saturday, which means a later practice and no classes, and Jeremy could not be happier.

Well, he could be happier, since Jean has noticed that he’s awake. The hands have stopped running through Jeremy’s hair and Jean’s heartbeat is noticeably faster. Jeremy forces himself to roll off of Jean’s chest and opens his eyes. Jean looks like a deer caught in headlights, ready for punishment, and flinches when Jeremy opens his mouth.

“Good morning Jean.” Jeremy’s mouth is thick with sleep.

“Good morning.”

“Any plans for today?” It’s so hard to maintain a normal conversation when they both are aware of the elephant in the room.

“I have nothing to do but my homework.” Jean is being unusually curt with him, treating Jeremy like a stranger, and goddamn, it _hurts._

“Cool. So, can we talk?” Jeremy sees Jean’s breath hitch. “Nothing’s wrong and I’m not mad at you, I just want to talk about…” He trails off, gesturing between the two of them, “this.”

Jean’s stare is no longer nervous. His defenses are up, cutting Jeremy down with an icy glare. “There is nothing to talk about. You needed help last night. I helped.”

Jeremy waves him off, trying to identify the disgusting tangle of feelings that has wrapped itself around his intestines. “No, I get that. Why were your hands in my hair?”

_Aha._ Jean’s stare softens. “You looked peaceful and you needed the sleep. I was bored.”

“Oh.” Jeremy has never heard his voice get this small before. “Okay. Cool.”

Jean pokes his cheek. “Is something wrong?” He’s desperately trying to get back to a semblance of normal, Jeremy can feel it. He doesn’t want their normal. He wants a new normal, a normal where he can wake up like this every day, lazily tangled with Jean. 

“Would you be mad if I asked you something?” The yarn tangle of feelings threatens to swallow Jeremy whole and it takes all of his willpower to not let it wrap itself around his heart. When Jean shakes his head, Jeremy forces the words out of him, as fast as they’ll go. “Can I kiss you?”

Jean freezes and Jeremy realizes that he’s made a grave fucking mistake. Jean has been trained to not say no to his captain, he’s been trained to be obedient. One particularly rough night, Jean told him how Riko wouldn’t let him say no, and when he did, he was punished extravagantly, often with other Ravens watching. Jeremy hurries to correct himself before Jean recedes into himself and starts to have a silent panic attack. “You can say no. I’m not forcing you to do anything. I am not like him, I promise. You say the word, you hesitate, I’ll stop and I’ll leave if you want me to.” 

“Jeremy. Stop.” Jean interrupts his rambling. “I know that. I froze because I did not know how to ask you the same thing.”

Jeremy looks up at Jean. There is a vulnerability in his face that Jeremy’s never seen before and goddamnit, he is looking at the most beautiful man he’s ever seen in his life. Then the reality of the situation hits him. Jean Moreau just asked to kiss him, Jeremy Knox. He reaches up to touch Jean’s face and for once, he doesn’t flinch away. 

Kissing Jean quickly makes its way into the top five things Jeremy loves doing. Every kiss they share is soft and sweet; a silent promise of “you’re safe now. I will never hurt you.” Jean greets him in the morning with a peck to the cheek before Jeremy opens his eyes, and Jeremy may be a bit biased but he thinks it is the perfect way to start off a morning. 

-_-

They’ve been together six months when Jeremy wakes up in the middle of the night in a vice grip. Jean’s arms are nearly strangling him and his chest is heaving. The nightmares haven’t stopped, but this time they’re worse than normal. Jeremy pries Jean’s arms off of himself, sucks in a breath to prove that his ribs are undamaged, and puts his hands in Jean’s hair, running them through from front to back over and over again. Eventually, Jean wakes. Jeremy watches his eyes flutter open and reaches one hand to grab the water they keep on hand every night. Jean gulps it down and immediately starts pushing his hands against Jeremy. He’s not pushing away, just feeling the contours of Jeremy’s chest and shoulders, as if to make sure he’s still real. 

“Everything okay?” Jeremy knows the answer.

“No.” Jean is quiet for a while as Jeremy’s hands continue to run through his hair. “They had you. In the dream,” he says softly. Jeremy feels a white-hot spike of anger run through his entire body at the idea of the Ravens taking him and Jean away.

“Jean, cariño, they don’t have me. They don’t have you. We are safe and they are dead and will never touch you again.” Jeremy is overwhelmed by the primal urge to _protect protect protect_ and he realizes at that moment that if anyone ever came for Jean, he would fight tooth and nail to keep them away.

Jean sighs and Jeremy can tell just how tired he is. “Can you just,” he starts but doesn’t finish his sentence as he yawns. “Just hold me?”

Jeremy would laugh at the idea if anyone but Jean asked him that. He just barely makes five feet and seven inches, and Jean is a broad six foot two. Instead, he just nods. “Always.”

Jean curls up, facing Jeremy. Jeremy slides to lie back down and Jean tucks his head under Jeremy’s chin, forehead resting against his sternum. Jeremy wraps his arms around Jean’s shoulders, pulling him closer, and his hands start to move absentmindedly, tracing circles on his back. They lie in silence, and Jeremy’s hands start to trace out the words that he can’t say out loud. Over and over and over again. _I love you I love you I love you._ He’s not as subtle as he thinks, as after the tenth time of tracing the same sentence, Jean mutters, “I love you too, Jeremy.”

Jeremy just presses a kiss to Jean’s hair. “I know.” He’d known it from the night that Jean let Jeremy sleep on his chest to keep insomnia at bay, crossing all the physical boundaries that he had set to make sure Jeremy felt peace of mind.

Jean Moreau loved him, and that felt better than winning the championships ever could.

**Author's Note:**

> heehoo i want exy to be a real sport bc its just soccer and lacrosse with VIOLENCE and that is my SHIT
> 
> if u liked this then like leave kudos?? or a comment?? or just like be happy?? because happiness is good and nice and you should feel happy!!
> 
> anyway goodnight i wrote this in two hours IN COMIC SANS because i tried that writing tip and it,,,,,,, works????? like fUCK alright fine guess ill be writing essays in comic sans now...........
> 
> gn ily sleep well and remember u are not a lesser human being for not being able to sleep don't listen to jeremy in this 
> 
> also happy mychem day yall dont care but i do


End file.
